Does anyone ever spiral into control?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me