My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

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me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree


Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper


“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably


[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share


My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.


My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.


[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.


BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.


[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me