@_Water_Baby

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

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@KyleDodsonFunny

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@jellybnbonanza

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

@nbadag

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

@Brentweets

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

@RobertJrDowney

I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.

@Book_Krazy

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.

@gwatts77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.