GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I think Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Sometimes you can spend so much time staring at your phone you forget about the beauty all around you, so be sure to Google that.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.