@UnicornSyrup

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

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@Samiam556

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

@jjhartinger

1995: [goes to store, video is rented] Maybe next time

2017: [netflix takes 5 mins to load] This is a nightmare

@Daniel_Sloss

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

@torrami

Tell her she’s glowing and watch her do the mental math on when her last period was

@LlamaInaTux

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

@tweetsbyrocket

me: see the wrist strap stops you from dropping the wiimote

voldemort: this is brilliant

[later]

harry potter: expelliarmus!

voldemort: [wand dangling from wrist] lmao nice try

@WildeThingy

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

@MsCassieDaniels

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.