My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.