My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
That’s fair
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts