My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
when revenge coincides with naptime
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say