My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
incredible text to wake up to
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*