My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
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By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
It’s his time
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no