@juicymorsel

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

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@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

@ohen39

[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
her: really?
me: -to leave
her: what?
me: no dogs allowed to leave
her: but-
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now

@Diversion50

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

@heysarahsweeney

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

@TheSharona06

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

@iGreenMonk

I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.

@drunktweets81

My chair at work is really uncomfortable. I wonder if a stool softener will work.