[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:
I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.