@juicymorsel

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

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@momjeansplease

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@JustMeTurtle

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

@ThisOneSayz

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

@ShoutingGoddess

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they’re blocked:

I’m totally gutted. Well done. You’re fierce! You got me GOOD.

@Jake_Vig

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

@Burnam1

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

@skedaddle74

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.