Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
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[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[first day as a restaurant owner]
*woman walks in with a dog*
me: sorry no dogs allowed-
me: -to leave
me: no dogs allowed to leave
me: *already petting dog* he’s mine now
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
My chair at work is really uncomfortable. I wonder if a stool softener will work.