My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
When libraries troll their patrons.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Ovenable?