My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.