My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
But wait…
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.