You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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The booster protects against what, now?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.