The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
You Might Also Like
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
#parenting
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing