My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.