If a villain really wanted to kill James Bond, he should just inject HIV into one of his attractive cohorts and then wait.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
PLEASE SEND HELP
I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN
OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE
ME: wow your correct
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.