My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this