My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Thinking about Jeff
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door