*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
You Might Also Like
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Good advice.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh