*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
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DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
happy friday
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
respect
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?