*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
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*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
*puts hand in my mouth*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.
Unrelated: my wife is leaving me
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Santa is a smart guy. Visits people only once a year.