My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

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*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.


[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?


What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?


*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.


In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me


So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.

Unrelated: my wife is leaving me


[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!


[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*


“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall