My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
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Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.