My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
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Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans