“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
just make the entire table out of coaster
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.