My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
sigh
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”