@nottheworstmom

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

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@pisscop

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS ??? ???????? ?????? ?? ???? ???? LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

@vapidaccount

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

@Sotherans

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

@coffeeandvinyl1

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

@Kendragarden

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

@xLiserx

People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

@PeachyPixel8

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

@LordofScribble

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Slap a man with the same fish and the video will go viral in under 48 hours. #Truth

@C00LpenNAME

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

@AngryRaccoon2

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.