My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
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[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?