My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
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Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.