when you’re about to get eaten by a shark but then u see bae watching
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
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Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows
“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work