My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

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Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.


Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying


I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.


I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.


I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources


I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.


[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows


“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work