@RickAaron

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

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@StephenBCramer

Yahoo news reports that Johnny Manziel was forced to sit in the middle seat of an airliner. I guess they should have let him fly the plane.

@mariokeyparty

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

@AbbyHasIssues

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

@MollyRingwraith

I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources

@jackiembouvier

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

@Home_Halfway

“Hey, quick question” ~ A coworker who’s about to give you a week’s worth of work