HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
You Might Also Like
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Man, these hotcakes are selling like themselves.
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent