@RickAaron

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

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@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

@Book_Krazy

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

@BuckyIsotope

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

@LeslieDonnelly2

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

@ConanOBrien

One time I wore my brother’s t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.

@theDRaGnrebOrN

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

@robfromonline

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

@daemonic3

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent