My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit