My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem