My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine