My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Do one person every day that scares you.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.