My therapist asked me, “How would leaving twitter make you feel?”
I replied by asking him, “How would switching therapists make you feel?”

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–spirited debate


him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?


The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.


[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?


I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!


The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!


Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS


I’ve been refilling the same Evian water bottle for 6 months. So many people think I’m rich.


Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident