[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldnāt. Shitty credit, I have.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves ācuz the meat stings.ā
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream āwas limited to those aged 6+.ā
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Just passing along this helpful tip I found š
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said āif you want to be less anxious you need to worry lessā so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My son said his friendās parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly Iām not angry about his C- in math anymore.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?