@mynameshank

My therapist cries “Why me?” for the full hour.

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@Neauxpe

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

@FoxCGrandpa

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

@AndyJokedAgain

Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava

@EndhooS

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

@PaperWash

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

@carlyken

How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she’s mad
2. She tells you she’s not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire

@CulturedRuffian

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

@marsboyroy

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

@shawnspree

My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won’t let me send back wedding RSVP cards.