My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.