My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
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LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.