@3sunzzz

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

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@bellicosejason

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

@ClichedOut

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

@kristynhearts

Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?

@StansaidAirport

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.