My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

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I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.


Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.


Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.


boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”


Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?


If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.


Me: they’re coming!

911: can you hide?

Me: they’ll find me!!

911: stay calm

Me: the door is opening…help!

“Mooom! We want a snack!!”


Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.