@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

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@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@bobbiejo448

Every time I use <3 in an @ to someone, I can’t help but think, “Please accept this carrot with balls as a token of how much I heart you.”

@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.

@jackiembouvier

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@envydatropic

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

@Ratchet7Don

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

@notsosupermom_

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.