@WheelTod That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
@emily_murnane My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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@WheelTod 
@amydillon “Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
@shannonrwatts My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
@GinAndJif Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
@not_delicate *Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.
*hands bowl to child, eats the rest
@freedom2726 If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.
@SkinnerSteven I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
@bobbiejo448 News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.
@tastefactory Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
@AntozWolf For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why