@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

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@BoomBoomBetty

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

@donttouchjames

me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened

@dadtellsjokes

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

@PaperWash

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

@SardonicTart

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

@ZWindsor_

Teacher- “How much is a gram?” Me- “Depends on what you want” Teacher- “Out, just get out”

@HALFniteStand

“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

@TheThomason

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

@pilau

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.