@emily_murnane

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

@amydillon

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

@shannonrwatts

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

@GinAndJif

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

@not_delicate

*Carefully measures exactly one serving of potato chips into bowl.

*hands bowl to child, eats the rest

@freedom2726

If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.

@SkinnerSteven

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

@bobbiejo448

News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don’t know if it’s an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.

@tastefactory

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

@AntozWolf

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why