My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?

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I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me


{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.


I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.


Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?


Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.


*during sex
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs


Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up


Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!


SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]


My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.