My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
2022 be like
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.