My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?

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Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.


Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer

Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit


A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.


I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join


me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?


If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?


I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.


“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”

-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?


Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?