Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate