My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.