My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?