My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
what does he know…
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.