My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.


Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.


kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?


is this your card ?


*27 cards later* is this your card ?



An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away


[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*


I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means


It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.


If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.


me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong


My girlfriend is like my bike.

Some black guy stole her from me too.