My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
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I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
getting old is fun
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!