@HeyoShellz

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

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@mlinhart

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

@markleggett

Companies want “rockstar” employees, as rockstars are known for punctuality, even-tempers, and a desire to work in a corporate environment.

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@Marlebean

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

@DaddyJew

I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means

@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

@_ethelbeavers

If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.

@GrantTanaka

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

@HairyJew4Life

My girlfriend is like my bike.

Some black guy stole her from me too.