@brynnester

My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes

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@AndyAsAdjective

Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake

@ohheyohhihello

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

@NicestHippo

*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree

@GrillinChillin9

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

@CherBear162

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

@daemonic3

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

@MiSsSnObBy

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again