Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake
My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes
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what do we want???
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
*deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my…(sexy voice) political science degree
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon