Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
This pepper has seen some shit