*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”