When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
not to brag, but mine was free
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Not all heroes wear capes…
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
This line from Airplane.