It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?