If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
They’re called werewolves.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Human are so complicated
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….