My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
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bugs when you lift up a rock
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Lmao 🤣
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing