My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
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It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.