i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
You Might Also Like
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.