My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
You Might Also Like
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket