Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’
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With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect