@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: ok now let’s do a silly one

first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash

@RorynotRoy

The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.

@cpabry

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

@kashmir_lover1

According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk

@AdamTheLobster

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

@ConanOBrien

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

@daviddeweil

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

@WheelTod

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.