@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’

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@heatherlou_

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@juicymorsel

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

@BangMyBongo

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

@iLikeCatShirts

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

@jctwritesstuff

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

@TheMichaelRock

Being a parent to a teenager is basically like being an unpaid, under appreciated Uber driver.

@ch000ch

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect