me: ok now let’s do a silly one
first guy in police line up: *kermit voice* give me all your cash
My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’
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The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
According to my gym trainer, I need to cut back on drinking
According to my bartender, I look great
Moral of the story: I’m drunk
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
So stoned, I had to get back in the shower because I shaved one leg twice.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.