everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.