I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
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In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?